With all my FAQ pages, I needed a break. And, now, here is some jokes and riddles I hope you enjoy. These are handpicked by me, and are often juicy. Chances are, you'll like at least 1 joke or riddle here. Enjoy!
MARRIAGE DECISION
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to
marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman
a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with
the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy
beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several
new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She
tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for
him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets
him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his
computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts,
she tells him that she has spent all the money on him
because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns
several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and
reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him
that she wants to save for their future because she loves
him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had
done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
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WHAT A MEMORY
A big Elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a
turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks
the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip
out of my trunk 47 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.
"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
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THE BEACH
A recently widowed Jewish lady, Golda, was sitting on a
beach in Florida. She looked up and noticed that an elderly
gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand
nearby, and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to
strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello sir, "how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his
book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he
replied.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes," he answered, continuing to read.
Golda persisted. "Do you like pussy-cats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his
blanket onto hers, whipped off both their swimsuits, and gave
her the most passionate ride of her life.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Golda gasped and
asked the man, "How did you know that is what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
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REWARDING HANGOVER
Rodney wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a
couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all
clean and pressed. Rodney looks around the room and sees that
it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest
of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot
breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table, eating.
Rodney asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and
delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and
gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Rodney asks, "So, why is everything in order and
so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady
leave me alone, I'm married!"
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GRANDMA'S BOYFRIEND
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was
dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come
you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit
in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists
keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make
me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She
started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in
focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the
TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to
open the door. When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's
minister.
The minister said, "Hello son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yea, she's in the bedroom bangin'
her boyfriend."
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PASTOR JOHN FUZZ
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation
in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down
Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his
congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The
reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member
of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open
door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no
place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me
take you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to
weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had
too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady
her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled
to the floor.
After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound
up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to
her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here,
buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you
don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along
you might as well finish the job."
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A GROANER
Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When
asked why, they say, "A little birdie told me."
Did you know they probably aren't lying? It is a little
known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast,
are never seen, and they are everywhere. - Thus, these
creatures are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short.
These birds have an extensive communications network, and
they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite
quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and
communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like
a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and
can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky
person they befriend.
This person is then the one who is always in the know; one
step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem
to be in the dark? Those who just don't get it? Those
who's standard response to any given question is, "Huh?"
Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that
the reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE.
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Little Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"
Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!"
Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!".
"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"
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What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?
- Bubble gum.
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What sticks out of a man's pajamas far enough to hang his hat from?
- His head.
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Why do policemen have bigger balls than firemen?
- They sell more tickets.
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For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
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THE SEVEN DWARVES AND THE POPE
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy
rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"
Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we
finally get to ask him."
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of
the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead,
Dopey, ask him, ask him!"
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me,
young man?"
Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead
and ask.
Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"
The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska." The others
all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the
rest!"
The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues,
"Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"
To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black
nuns in Alaska, yes."
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey,
ask him the last part!"
The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"
To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah..... are there, uh, are there any
midget black nuns in Alaska?"
The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there
are any midget black nuns in Alaska."
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing,
and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"
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What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies!
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Lollipop Salesman
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a cop," said the first man.
"Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen," said the second man.
"Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
The third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
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OLDIE BUT GOODY
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady
and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll
be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and
I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great
dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go
hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want
with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about
it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just
understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night,
whether you're here or not." Go girl!
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There were two nuns, Sister Logical and Sister Mathematical. A rapist was chasing them. "What will we do?" said Sister Mathematical. "At this rate, he'll catch up to us in 11.52 seconds!"
"We'll do the only logical thing to do," said Sister Logical. "We'll speed up."
"Oh no," said Sister Mathematical. "Now he's going to catch up to us in 9.83 seconds!"
"That's because he did the only logical thing to do," said Sister Logical. "He sped up, too."
"Well, what will we do now?" said Sister Mathematical.
"We'll do the only logical thing to do," said Sister Logical. "We'll split up so he can't chase both of us." The nun chased Sister Logical.
When the two nuns met again, Sister Mathematical asked: "What happened?"
"He caught up with me," said Sister Logical.
"Then what happened?" said Sister Mathematical.
"I did the only logical thing to do," said Sister Logical. "I pulled up my skirt."
"Then what?" said Sister Mathematical.
"He did the only logical thing to do," said Sister Logical. "He pulled down his pants."
"And then?" said Sister Mathematical.
"Isn't it logical, sister?" said Sister Logical. "A nun with her skirt up can run faster than a man with his pants down!"
